A poem By Tadiya Dasi
I’ve been on this road before:
where it’s pitch dark
and the roaring of my monkey mind
scares me half to death;
where I am so
afraid of the bite
of my own
snake of a mind.
It’s been a long way to here,
too many steps of just
putting one foot ahead of another
not knowing where I’m headed.
But I can feel your guiding hand
as I hold the
torch of om ajnana
timirandhasya
jnananjana-salakaya caksur unmilitam
yena tasmai sri-gurave namah
as my light
and traverse
these roads.
I can’t quite believe
the tender hand of faith
leading me up to here;
a place where pavements turn into
pastures
and the night welcomes me
with it’s warm embrace.
I can feel myself
letting go, softening
one tense limb at a time
as I promise to
let your sweet breeze
blow me
where she wills;
my held breath slowly releasing.
It’s going to be
just blowing in the wind
while I’m here
it seems.
Brothers,
you tackle me gently,
trip me up,
wrestle me to the ground
hold me fast to this path
that calls for surrender every step of the way;
and even in my one step forward
two backwards way,
you manage to pull me nearer every time.
You get me totally lost
in
this forest of honey
that drips mercy;
I get my feet
not only wet
but sticky
with the sweet honey
of belonging.
The generosity of your heart
makes mine ache
as I stand here
before you,
and the dear friend of my soul,
all my soul sisters and brothers
knowing only
the feeling
that moved mountains
and got me here.
It’s always a relief,
to know that my feet will
always, somehow
find their way near you.
My heart weaves a string of
thank you‘s
and places it
at your feet
I could bow down
whole day and night
and still could not express
how your love
has done the impossible:
has healed my heart
enough
to give me a taste of this love.
This sweet forest
I enter
feeling
you could turn the roads
under my feet,
these sinking pavements
of sorrow,
into pastures
with one
gentle glance.
Somehow turn all my dead ends into
bridges
until I am
almost someone heading home.
Finally, starting to feel like
I must be homeward bound.
How your ropes still tie me,
but now I am being lassoed into your herd.
These days I cry
not because there is no love
but because there’s so much of it.
How mad have I been,
thinking: I am dying of thirst
while your waterfall pours
and I find myself at your pond
Dauji-Gopala
– pondering –
there
I share my heart
in confidence
with my brothers and sisters
and somehow
it gets better.
Somehow
it keeps getting better
as your friend, my friend
comes
sits beside me
and the stillness speaks in him;
his love for me in
how we don’t need words
as his eyes become pools
reflecting a kindness
I’ve swam towards for years,
lifetimes,
eternity.
In their reflection,
I can feel waves of your love
coming at me.
In this outpouring
the waterfall of love of God
my friend, he jumps right in,
dives deep
while I still
sit on the fence;
watching,
merely dipping my toes.
But his heart becomes an ocean for me
and I feel like I could
very well drown in it.
Every day here
and opportunity
– invitation –
to take the plunge.
Oh take me
take me
to that ocean
where the shores disappear
before the horizon of Gauda
where drowning
has become it’s own kind of bliss.
And I will try
to catch
every beat of your
beautiful heart
that takes the form of
Dauji and Gopala
and drums
the movement of Mahaprabhu
you can have me
limb by limb
I offer you
both my hands and feet;
while I do not want to give you my mind,
you can have my soul.
Every night
and morning here
I get to catch
a glimpse of your beautiful heart
witness how it makes us all
dance;
jubilant and together
we all gather before
your vision and will
may we take it
(your heart)
to heart
may it take us all the way
to the dancing streets
of sankirtan,
to the courtyards of Srivasa,
right to the tender heart of Vraja.
Under the light of the lamp
of love
your eyes meet mine
and your joy
in welcoming me, us
becomes contagious.
Your big brother love
wrestles my guard down:
you melt me
with your warm welcome.
Oh nourisher, you are indeed
magnanimous
magnificent
the hand of Mahaprabhu
always big and generous
in this place of transformation.
And I have come here to change:
to hold my heart and myself
against the need to change
but also
against your promise
that change is possible.
Brothers,
you sweep me away
to your currents of play
and possibility
In your company,
cowherds
I remember what it means
to be kin
– kindred spirits all around –
Sadhu sanga, sadhu sanga.
I have so many
brothers and sisters here
this family of Bhaktivedanta
holds me so close;
what a tight embrace I find myself
in.
Brothers and sisters,
you bring me back:
bring me back
my laughter
my joy.
Oh Brothers, so many names you’ve got
manifested here,
and in them you’ve invested
all your power:
Your beauty appearing before me as
Brajasundari
Gaurasundara
Syamasundara
I call these names
and learn what it means to serve,
to belong
oh
Gokulachandra
Saci
Sanatana
Nama-ruci
and I know
your herd, this crew
heralds a great future.
In your company
cowherds
I know love.
In your company
brothers and sisters
Krisangi
Kamalaksa
Lila-mayi
Acintya-shakti
I know love.
And I used to say that I know of no other word
more descriptive of God’s grace
than
kindness
but now I know
a little bit of it’s sweetness, too.
Brothers,
your love has done the impossible,
ploughed through
and raked the terrain
and the soil
of my soul
and somehow I am returned
to my roots
where growth becomes a possibility.
You bring
me near;
bring me
so close to
your form made of possibility.
One day here
and I forget
I had a life outside:
that I used to wake up
to something else
than the sound of the conch,
the smiling faces of my love.
Brothers and sisters,
you bring me back to my soul
return me to the homeland,
the soil of the soul,
somewhere
where I belong so deeply
that I am pulled to it
almost without an option to pull back.
I know now
that God not only exists
but that he is
Krishna.
Brothers
how have I been loved by you!
Even before I knew it,
somehow
all my roads leading here
to these pastures.
I might try leaving
but my feet are
stuck,
sticky with your sweet honey
of belonging
and my feet
belong here
where
yellow flowers
cover the path;
where streets
know how to dance
as Mahaprabhu
brings his kirtan to us.
His petals of mercy
everywhere.
